Strip Club Review: Lumberyard in Iowa

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Lumberyard was listed at the best strip club in Iowa according to Thrillist, so when I realized it was on my route, I had to check it out. First of all, this club was *hard* to find. I went to the location indicated on my GPS and found myself at a church, located next to a literal lumberyard, across the street from a truck depot. After confirming on my phone's GPS, I still was lost. I was about to give up and call it a bust, but then I noticed a red awning behind a line of trees... Behold, the Lumber Yard!

I will admit I didn't have the most positive expectations, since the tagline is "Where real men go to get Wood." I really don't like anyplace that uses the terms "Real Men" or "Real Women", or defines gender by genitals in the description, or excludes the lesbian experience, or is overly focused on penises and erections in a context where those aren't supposed to be directly a part of the experience.

FIRST IMPRESSION: The front desk girl was cute and friendly, and assumed I was there to dance. I said I was just checking out the vibe of various clubs across the country, and she let me in without a cover. When I first walked in, there were 3 men sitting in chairs around an empty stage. They all three turned to stare at me, but after a dancer walked onto the stage, two of them refocused their attention on her, while the third guy kept staring, which was awkward. The club was shaped like a large square room, with a split level stage and chairs all around. I didn't notice a VIP area.

DANCER LIFE: I'm not going to ever say anything objectively about the dancers bodies, so if you're here for a critique of women's bodies you're probably at the wrong blog. Since there was only one girl working (the turnout was odd for a weekend night, I'll admit, but it was like dinner time), I didn't get a chance to talk to any of the dancers about what it is like to work there.

FOOD AND BEV: I didn't see a bar, but the one guy creeping on me was starting to get under my skin so my explorations maybe weren't as thorough as they could have been. There were vending machines for soda and snacks, which I found a little strange, but also a practical way of getting around food and nudity laws, I'm sure. I just can't stop thinking about allowing a guy to touch, then finding out that he's got cheeto dust on his fingers >.<

OVERALL FEELS: Pretty meh. If you're a women hoping to go look at naked women, there's too much of a culture of ogling here to make it comfortable, and not enough women running around to get the guys to refocus on who they're supposed to be ogling. It was very quiet. I don't know how the club treats their dancers, but I can't imagine 3 men on a weekend night even makes stage fees worth it.