I've been thinking a lot about healthy relationships, as I progress through the emotionally healthy stages of a difficult, multi year relationship breakup. As of my last update in October, I was still hoping to someday get back together with Trevor. I've had some extensive processing happening for almost half a year now and started realizing all the things that got completely twisted in that relationship, and all the ways I lost myself. About a month ago I started realizing I... really didn't want that relationship back. Two weeks ago I was actually able to admit that out loud to one of my friends, which felt so strange after 4 years of obsessively Trying To Make It Work. Given the amount of time he's spent reminding me how hard he tried to make us work, and how his #1 fear is that I'll not try as long as he did and just give up on it as soon as I start feeling better, getting to the point where I was able to say, out loud, to another human, that I let go of that dynamic, and I don't want it back in my life, was kind of a big deal.
I spent a lot of time feeling like I still.. owed him something, like the point of the break up was for me to go, get healthy, and then come back this whole healed person without the same needs that led to us not working in the first place.
I haven't shared yet what made it so deeply toxic to us both, I'm not quite at the place to talk about it on my blog yet, but sometimes two flawed humans come together and instead of finding ways to bolster each other, bring out the absolute worst in one another. My mental health is doing a million times better free of that dynamic. A couple of months ago, I halved my dose of antidepressant that was just barely keeping me from walking into the lake a year ago, and while I can feel some of my obsessive anxiety returning, I am handling it adeptly and without ruining my life, and it passes quickly. I'm happy most of the time. If you had told me I could feel this good, this strong and wild, 2 years ago, I would have laughsobbed - laughing at the inplausability of it, sobbing at how far away it felt.
There are parts of me I'm re-discovering about myself that I completely forgot. Things that bring me joy and balance, like my phrases of personal affirmation I used to write on mirrors and belongings to help me remember to Be My Best Self daily, or prioritizing my spirituality, engaging with the woo woo things that help me find meaning in this stupid violent world. I've rediscovered prayer and time alone, and joy in rocks and plants. I'm singing to water again. I'm breathing deeply.
It's on my mind right now because I'm currently having my first jab at intense levels of New Relationship Energy in, uh, 2 years at least, and I'm carefully watching to see if I start doing backbends to be who the other person wants again. I'm pretty fiercely in a "I am uncompromisingly myself" mode right now, I may eventually be flexible again but until I feel incredibly strong in my core there's very little room for changing any of my habits to suit another person. I am pleased to find this dynamic is, instead of shifting, in fact amplifying my healthy habits.