An Ode to My Bad Credit
If my social worth is a number,
and that number is my credit score,
the 200 points lost,
feels like a lot.
But if my social worth is existing,
not just existing, but thriving,
how much more I have gained
in smiles and joy,
in losses quickly recovered,
in fierce emotions and mistakes,
in loving and losing and loving again:
it’s a lot more than 200 points.
Because really what even is the point
of a credit score
if I'm too empty
to love living.
Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation
In early October, 2016, I held a whiskey bottle in my hands, seriously contemplating drinking as much as I could before I felt too sick to function, then walking into the frozen lake near my home, numb enough to not notice or care as I froze and/or drowned to death. Suicidal ideation wasn't new for me, but I knew this was more than fantasy and I was on the brink of actually following through.
In that moment, I struck a deal with myself: In lieu of suicide, I'd start driving, and see where the road took me. If 6 months later I was still so miserable, I could finish myself off as originally intended, having given "lets do something completely different," a shot and failed.
Today I started working on sorting out the completely irresponsible financial situation I got myself into in the past 6 months, and had to step back a moment, and forgive myself for all the balls I threw on the floor in favor of self-preservation. In less than a year, I've managed to:
- Accrue 6k more debt, bringing me up to a whopping 12k, all on fucking credit cards
- Be late renewing my car registration AND insurance
- Forget to buy health insurance, but then realize I'm still paying $100 monthly for non-ACA emergency coverage
- Drop my credit score 200 points by totally forgetting to pay gas/electric bills while on-the-go
- Also I'm late on my taxes, hello incoming late payment fees
For someone who, at 25, had a credit score of 800+, a nest egg of savings, and an IRA account, this caused no small panic. Until I stopped for a minute and thought about all that I've gained in the past 6 months.
- Bad or anxious days feel like rare moods instead of my baseline standard
- Even my friends have noticed and commented on how 2017 Mags is happier, brighter, and in better spirits than all previous years
- I laugh most days, and feel happy bubbly bouncy thoughts most of the time
- When upsetting things happen, I recuperate quickly
- I still have fibromyalgia, but high pain days just feel like rest/reading days, my attitude is totally different about it
- I discovered the west coast is where I want to be, where I am happiest
- My friend networks are stronger than ever
- I still am not sure what "my purpose" is but I am less worried about it, and more in the moment
- My anxiety is significantly better
The point being, it's hard to not lose myself in the capitalist myth that my value is inherently tied to my financial stability. What good is a credit score, if you're too depressed to keep on living? I purposely stopped giving a shit about my financial status so that I could find the drive to continue existing, and by that measure, the past half a year has been extraordinarily successful.
Now, I am trying to get my finances in order. These are things you don't think about when you're suicidal. It's easy to resent myself for letting my finances slip so poorly off balance, but each time I look at it and start to feel stressed about the process of getting everything in order, I remind myself how lucky I am to have found a point in my life where I am happy enough to be able to *want* to have stable finances and cultivate savings again.
And, all things considered, my business account is actually doing pretty well, I own my car and my condo in full, so even though I'm in worse finances than I have been most of my adult life, comparatively speaking it's not actually that bad. If you want to get in on my sexy photosets, consider signing up for OnlyFans... If you're more into what my brain does, you can buy me a ko-fi for now, and I'll be rolling out a patreon soon enough :D