Another Dead Friend, Another Fucking Eulogy

I've been too busy to write, but here we are with another dead friend, and one that I personally have to thank for the fact that I'm alive today. He died unexpectedly, of a heart attack from what I've come to gather, yesterday. Here's a story I was going to wait to share until this coming October.

Trigger warning for suicide attempts.


Last October, I was so depressed I was actively suicidal. As in, I was staring at a bottle of pain pills, a bottle of xanax, and a bottle of whiskey, considering taking them all, and walking into the frozen lake actively suicidal. I popped open the assorted bottles and poured myself a hearty helping of whiskey, and CJ randomly popped up on my facebook notifications saying hi to me.

We hadn't talked in months, and what inspired him to poke me right at that moment I'm not entirely sure, but he asked me what was up. We've always had a pretty raw friendship, so I told him exactly what I was up to. He commiserated with me about life sucking, and as we chatted gently encouraged me to put the caps back on the bottles, still walk to the lake, but just admire it instead of walking into it.

Two days later I left for the road trip that ultimately would change my life and outlook, give me new perspective and hope, and help me find joy and strength in this miserable fucked up world we live in.

CJ literally saved my life. We rarely saw eye to eye on politics, and when we worked together we argued with regularity, but he was a man with a great deal more kindness to him than he let on in day to day life. I found the strength to keep living through all my friends and family, but in the moment I almost called it quits for real, he pulled me back, with his embittered spirit and pragmatic pessimism. I thanked him for talking to me then, but never told him how deeply I valued him.

I'm numb at his passing.


We've put together an impromptu gathering at the Logan Skate Park tonight, where he spent a lot of his free time. I'm bringing whiskey and materials for us to write down memories of him for his child, for when that child hits a life point that they want to know more about their father.